Best Funny Quotes
I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’ -Anonymous
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. –Margaret Mead
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. -BOB MONKHOUSE
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. -Anonymous
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. –Elbert Hubbard
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -ELAYNE BOOSLER
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. -Anonymous
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. –Isaac Asimov
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. -OSCAR WILDE
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.-Anonymous
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. –Ron White
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. -MARK RUSSELL
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. –Anonymous
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. –Albert Einstein
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. -Steve Martin
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared! –Anonymous
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -Lana Turner
When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor. –Anonymous
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. –Don Marquis
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” –Anonymous
When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you. -Anonymous
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. –Winston Churchill
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. –Anonymous
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. –AnonymousRead Also - Anniversary Gift Ideas
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